It's a Saturday night....I am about to turn 23 years old at midnight and what am I doing for my birthday? I am starting a blog. I've been extremely depressed all day about turning 23. Most of you must be thinking, she's young and ridiculous, I am about to turn 50 and here she is complaining about turning 23. I guess I have a few reasons as to why I am not thrilled about this birthday. I am going to be a 23 year old girl with MS and my track record with real relationships is 0.
I am not exactly thrilled about the MS but I am on treatments and have been stable for a year now. I just went to my neurologist the other day and it really gets me down. There are so many people in the waiting room who are far worse off than me and I'm grateful to be okay today but I worry about what I will be like years down the road. It's difficult to talk to my family and friends about it because it makes them sad and their immediate response is..."Natalie, that will not happen to you." I try to stay positive all of the time for anyone else but I would like to have other open feelings other than optimism 100% of the time. I'm not perfect. I think that by realizing what the reality of the situation is, is smarter than ignoring the possibilities. With that said, I don't want anyone to think that I sit on my ass all day and cry and complain. I'm actually the opposite. I live everyday like there is no tomorrow and take advantage of every opportunity that is available. Hell, I got my tuition waived for graduate school so you bet your ass I'm going. I've also been extremely involved on campus and I stay extremely busy. It's sometimes just plain therapeutic to bitch and complain. I am a girl after all.
I'm also going to be a single 23 year old girl with very little relationship experience. It is my own fault because I've alway made the decision to be single. Here's why. I don't want to settle. I see a lot of people around me all of the time that jump from one relationship to the next. They don't know how to be alone. I don't understand how they even get into these relationships, I don't know how to get into a single one. I'm very picky, but then I actually meet someone that I'm interested in and I blow it by acting closed off and shy. What is wrong with me?!! I just feel like, I'm 23..I have no concept of the idea of a relationship. I'm cynical to the concept because I can't understand love. The only concept I know is lust. Do I need therapy? I think I just know what I want and I think a lot of people will understand what I mean after you see the type of men that I run into.
So from now on, I will be blogging about all of the ridiculous stories of a single girls life...my life actually. Maybe this will help me gain some clarity or I will just be over exposing my life. Oh well, you only get one.
-Over Analyze That.
No comments:
Post a Comment