I've really been thinking about relationships lately and my inability to actually have one. It has never truly bothered me until recently. I don't know why but when I think about the idea of "forever" or being with someone without a timeframe literally makes my body breakout in hives. I feel truly horrible for the guy I actually give a chance to once in a blue moon.
Recently I became open to the concept of dating. I went on a real date which is something that also make my nerves scream. The guy really put out a lot of effort to make the night unique and fun, which is something uncommon these days. But then I noticed a little bit of "future" talk and that pretty much ended it for me. It's a real shame that I cannot let comments like that slide. Most women don't like to ask themselves will I see him again or does he like me. I got a definite answer to that question and freaked.
I'm truly independent and I can't imagine myself connected to another person as if they have some sort of ownership over me. I don't like feeling as though I may have to answer to someone to justify my decisions.
I sometimes wonder if this is a possible problem from my parents divorce. It very well could be. But I also think about my disease and if someone would really want to deal with that. I should have never watched "Love and Other Drugs."
I also believe that I shouldn't settle for anything that I'm not sure about. I'm pretty absolute when it comes to decision making. I know what I like and what I want in life, why should a man be any different? I'll know when the right guy comes along. These studs all around me are an awesome time but I take them for what it is in the moment. I can't deal with my issues and their inability to commit issues as well. That would be exhausting. I've learned to separate those feelings which makes me a stone cold wall when it comes to emotions. Oh well it works for me.
Here comes an even worse situation. When you realize that the guy who would be absolutely perfect for you feels the same way. Now what? I sometimes can't even speak when I'm around him because he is so incredibly brilliant and I usually have comments that are so off the wall bizzare that people don't really know what to think. I don't want him to think that I am a complete moron. He doesn't even know how I feel about him. He's convinced that I wouldn't go for a guy like him. So now what? Do I tell him how I feel and become open to the idea that we could be something real? This is something that I can't do due to my inability to actually commit to someone. I don't even want to imagine the possibility of hurting him which is something that I am actually capable of. My fears will never allow me to have everything that I want.
I'm not really stone...I do actually have feelings but no one will ever be able to guess which one I am feeling because I will not allow someone to know that I am actually vulnerable. People have always fed me the bullshit that it's okay to feel and to cry and it doesn't make you weak it makes you stronger. Sorry but that is a load of shit. When I am sad or hurt, my world feels like it is ending and it doesn't make me stronger. It makes me weak and the idea of heartache may kill me.
I will say that I hope one day I will be able to sort through my own issues and have the ability to commit but until then...I will remain undateable.
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Sunday, November 27, 2011
It's my party and I'll cry if I want to
So I'm finally 23. After having a slight break down yesterday, I've realized that it isn't so bad. I don't feel any differently. It's days like these that I wish my facebook wasn't connected to my phone because my phone is going off every 5 minutes with notifications. Oh well, it's nice to know every once in awhile that people care. I'm not doing anything spectacular this year. I think I am just going to see Breaking Dawn with my mom. Semi pathetic but I guess I owe her a movie date since she did go through 17 hours of labor with me. So enough with the boring stuff. I have a ridiculous weekend story. Since I don't want to over expose anyone else's life or embarrass them, I will use code names.
I went to the biggest rivalry game at my college this weekend. Since it's only about an hour away from home I figured I would just jump in my car and find the nearest tailgate with people that I know. After the first tailgate with one of my best friends, I went to another fraternity tailgate. Even though the rest of the University was on break and there were not a lot of people there I still had a fantastic time. After I have a few drinks, I get extremely confident and sassy. I noticed a particular guy who caught my eye right away. I asked my friends about him and they told me they would put in a word. Now I already had a few drinks and in that situation I don't need someone else to spit game for me. I have game!!
I approached him and asked him his name, we'll call him JT since he was definitely bringin sexy back. I then told him that I thought he was sexy. Everyone around proceeded to laugh and claim that it was an awkward moment. I let everyone know that it is only awkward if both parties involved feel that way. JT and I agreed that it was not awkward. He is actually a really nice guy.
Meanwhile on the other side of town, this guy who I will name Throwback, because our conversations came out of nowhere. We did attend high school together and went to the same college but we never really hung out. He just randomly hit me up one day. He is also really nice and wanted to meet up.
I work on my own clock so wherever the evening takes me that's where I am going. After being in the game for awhile with JT and two of my closest friends, Throwback starts the texting and calling. I told him where we were and when we all finally met up, the night took a turn for the ridiculous. My other friends decided to go back to the tailgate but I wasn't ready to leave yet. It was my last football game as an undergrad and we had only been there through the first quarter. I figured that I would just stay with Throwback if they wanted to go. JT also wanted to stay. After I insisted on flirting with him all night I should've expected that. I'm really glad that he stayed.
So as we went down into the stands again JT leads the way with my right hand in his and Throwback grabs my left hand. In my mind, I'm like oh hell here we go...this should be interesting. We had to stand on the stairs because the stands were extremely packed. It was still fun but I did feel as though I were the rope in a game of tug of war. It was extremely uncomfortable but I didn't let it show. We finally got some seats in the stands and Throwback needed to hit the bathroom. JT and I were starting to get tired around the 3rd quarter and I realized that the only time the team was playing well was when I left the stands. He wanted to go back and tailgate and I just needed a warm couch, a TV and some water. He walked me as far as he could until he was completely out of the way from his destined location. It was sweet. I'm so happy he decided to stay, I think we are going to have an awesome friendship.
As I got back to my friends house...the calls and text messages started. I don't think Throwback was too happy that I left and was with someone else. Hey I'm a single girl, I'm allowed to do what I want and besides JT was my new friend!
SIDE NOTE:
I am absolutely head over heals for my friends brother. I will call him Batman because he's a brilliant, mysterious super hero. He walked into the house and I sat there, pretty intoxicated so you can imagine my embarrassment. I think he is just the greatest person ever. Anyway, moving on.
Throwback called me about 15 times and I didn't want to meet up...I had capped my night. You'd think after the first 5 calls maybe he would've got the hint that I was done for the night. Nope, I received phone calls and texts until 4 am. Then more around 9 am. Did he ever sleep?! I like someone who is willing to put themselves out there and be persistent because that's what I need but I feel like this is a little overboard. I really wanted to say....Seriously man, what are your expectations here?! I'm not going to sleep with you! This is a conclusion I typically jump to. I didn't say that...I thought maybe the alcohol just had not left his system yet so I'll give him the benefit of the doubt.
It was definitely a fun night with an interesting story. In the end I had made a great friend with JT and learned that there is definitely a difference between persistent and stalker.
-Over Analyze That
I went to the biggest rivalry game at my college this weekend. Since it's only about an hour away from home I figured I would just jump in my car and find the nearest tailgate with people that I know. After the first tailgate with one of my best friends, I went to another fraternity tailgate. Even though the rest of the University was on break and there were not a lot of people there I still had a fantastic time. After I have a few drinks, I get extremely confident and sassy. I noticed a particular guy who caught my eye right away. I asked my friends about him and they told me they would put in a word. Now I already had a few drinks and in that situation I don't need someone else to spit game for me. I have game!!
I approached him and asked him his name, we'll call him JT since he was definitely bringin sexy back. I then told him that I thought he was sexy. Everyone around proceeded to laugh and claim that it was an awkward moment. I let everyone know that it is only awkward if both parties involved feel that way. JT and I agreed that it was not awkward. He is actually a really nice guy.
Meanwhile on the other side of town, this guy who I will name Throwback, because our conversations came out of nowhere. We did attend high school together and went to the same college but we never really hung out. He just randomly hit me up one day. He is also really nice and wanted to meet up.
I work on my own clock so wherever the evening takes me that's where I am going. After being in the game for awhile with JT and two of my closest friends, Throwback starts the texting and calling. I told him where we were and when we all finally met up, the night took a turn for the ridiculous. My other friends decided to go back to the tailgate but I wasn't ready to leave yet. It was my last football game as an undergrad and we had only been there through the first quarter. I figured that I would just stay with Throwback if they wanted to go. JT also wanted to stay. After I insisted on flirting with him all night I should've expected that. I'm really glad that he stayed.
So as we went down into the stands again JT leads the way with my right hand in his and Throwback grabs my left hand. In my mind, I'm like oh hell here we go...this should be interesting. We had to stand on the stairs because the stands were extremely packed. It was still fun but I did feel as though I were the rope in a game of tug of war. It was extremely uncomfortable but I didn't let it show. We finally got some seats in the stands and Throwback needed to hit the bathroom. JT and I were starting to get tired around the 3rd quarter and I realized that the only time the team was playing well was when I left the stands. He wanted to go back and tailgate and I just needed a warm couch, a TV and some water. He walked me as far as he could until he was completely out of the way from his destined location. It was sweet. I'm so happy he decided to stay, I think we are going to have an awesome friendship.
As I got back to my friends house...the calls and text messages started. I don't think Throwback was too happy that I left and was with someone else. Hey I'm a single girl, I'm allowed to do what I want and besides JT was my new friend!
SIDE NOTE:
I am absolutely head over heals for my friends brother. I will call him Batman because he's a brilliant, mysterious super hero. He walked into the house and I sat there, pretty intoxicated so you can imagine my embarrassment. I think he is just the greatest person ever. Anyway, moving on.
Throwback called me about 15 times and I didn't want to meet up...I had capped my night. You'd think after the first 5 calls maybe he would've got the hint that I was done for the night. Nope, I received phone calls and texts until 4 am. Then more around 9 am. Did he ever sleep?! I like someone who is willing to put themselves out there and be persistent because that's what I need but I feel like this is a little overboard. I really wanted to say....Seriously man, what are your expectations here?! I'm not going to sleep with you! This is a conclusion I typically jump to. I didn't say that...I thought maybe the alcohol just had not left his system yet so I'll give him the benefit of the doubt.
It was definitely a fun night with an interesting story. In the end I had made a great friend with JT and learned that there is definitely a difference between persistent and stalker.
-Over Analyze That
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Am I seriously Blogging?
It's a Saturday night....I am about to turn 23 years old at midnight and what am I doing for my birthday? I am starting a blog. I've been extremely depressed all day about turning 23. Most of you must be thinking, she's young and ridiculous, I am about to turn 50 and here she is complaining about turning 23. I guess I have a few reasons as to why I am not thrilled about this birthday. I am going to be a 23 year old girl with MS and my track record with real relationships is 0.
I am not exactly thrilled about the MS but I am on treatments and have been stable for a year now. I just went to my neurologist the other day and it really gets me down. There are so many people in the waiting room who are far worse off than me and I'm grateful to be okay today but I worry about what I will be like years down the road. It's difficult to talk to my family and friends about it because it makes them sad and their immediate response is..."Natalie, that will not happen to you." I try to stay positive all of the time for anyone else but I would like to have other open feelings other than optimism 100% of the time. I'm not perfect. I think that by realizing what the reality of the situation is, is smarter than ignoring the possibilities. With that said, I don't want anyone to think that I sit on my ass all day and cry and complain. I'm actually the opposite. I live everyday like there is no tomorrow and take advantage of every opportunity that is available. Hell, I got my tuition waived for graduate school so you bet your ass I'm going. I've also been extremely involved on campus and I stay extremely busy. It's sometimes just plain therapeutic to bitch and complain. I am a girl after all.
I'm also going to be a single 23 year old girl with very little relationship experience. It is my own fault because I've alway made the decision to be single. Here's why. I don't want to settle. I see a lot of people around me all of the time that jump from one relationship to the next. They don't know how to be alone. I don't understand how they even get into these relationships, I don't know how to get into a single one. I'm very picky, but then I actually meet someone that I'm interested in and I blow it by acting closed off and shy. What is wrong with me?!! I just feel like, I'm 23..I have no concept of the idea of a relationship. I'm cynical to the concept because I can't understand love. The only concept I know is lust. Do I need therapy? I think I just know what I want and I think a lot of people will understand what I mean after you see the type of men that I run into.
So from now on, I will be blogging about all of the ridiculous stories of a single girls life...my life actually. Maybe this will help me gain some clarity or I will just be over exposing my life. Oh well, you only get one.
-Over Analyze That.
I am not exactly thrilled about the MS but I am on treatments and have been stable for a year now. I just went to my neurologist the other day and it really gets me down. There are so many people in the waiting room who are far worse off than me and I'm grateful to be okay today but I worry about what I will be like years down the road. It's difficult to talk to my family and friends about it because it makes them sad and their immediate response is..."Natalie, that will not happen to you." I try to stay positive all of the time for anyone else but I would like to have other open feelings other than optimism 100% of the time. I'm not perfect. I think that by realizing what the reality of the situation is, is smarter than ignoring the possibilities. With that said, I don't want anyone to think that I sit on my ass all day and cry and complain. I'm actually the opposite. I live everyday like there is no tomorrow and take advantage of every opportunity that is available. Hell, I got my tuition waived for graduate school so you bet your ass I'm going. I've also been extremely involved on campus and I stay extremely busy. It's sometimes just plain therapeutic to bitch and complain. I am a girl after all.
I'm also going to be a single 23 year old girl with very little relationship experience. It is my own fault because I've alway made the decision to be single. Here's why. I don't want to settle. I see a lot of people around me all of the time that jump from one relationship to the next. They don't know how to be alone. I don't understand how they even get into these relationships, I don't know how to get into a single one. I'm very picky, but then I actually meet someone that I'm interested in and I blow it by acting closed off and shy. What is wrong with me?!! I just feel like, I'm 23..I have no concept of the idea of a relationship. I'm cynical to the concept because I can't understand love. The only concept I know is lust. Do I need therapy? I think I just know what I want and I think a lot of people will understand what I mean after you see the type of men that I run into.
So from now on, I will be blogging about all of the ridiculous stories of a single girls life...my life actually. Maybe this will help me gain some clarity or I will just be over exposing my life. Oh well, you only get one.
-Over Analyze That.
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