I've really been thinking about relationships lately and my inability to actually have one. It has never truly bothered me until recently. I don't know why but when I think about the idea of "forever" or being with someone without a timeframe literally makes my body breakout in hives. I feel truly horrible for the guy I actually give a chance to once in a blue moon.
Recently I became open to the concept of dating. I went on a real date which is something that also make my nerves scream. The guy really put out a lot of effort to make the night unique and fun, which is something uncommon these days. But then I noticed a little bit of "future" talk and that pretty much ended it for me. It's a real shame that I cannot let comments like that slide. Most women don't like to ask themselves will I see him again or does he like me. I got a definite answer to that question and freaked.
I'm truly independent and I can't imagine myself connected to another person as if they have some sort of ownership over me. I don't like feeling as though I may have to answer to someone to justify my decisions.
I sometimes wonder if this is a possible problem from my parents divorce. It very well could be. But I also think about my disease and if someone would really want to deal with that. I should have never watched "Love and Other Drugs."
I also believe that I shouldn't settle for anything that I'm not sure about. I'm pretty absolute when it comes to decision making. I know what I like and what I want in life, why should a man be any different? I'll know when the right guy comes along. These studs all around me are an awesome time but I take them for what it is in the moment. I can't deal with my issues and their inability to commit issues as well. That would be exhausting. I've learned to separate those feelings which makes me a stone cold wall when it comes to emotions. Oh well it works for me.
Here comes an even worse situation. When you realize that the guy who would be absolutely perfect for you feels the same way. Now what? I sometimes can't even speak when I'm around him because he is so incredibly brilliant and I usually have comments that are so off the wall bizzare that people don't really know what to think. I don't want him to think that I am a complete moron. He doesn't even know how I feel about him. He's convinced that I wouldn't go for a guy like him. So now what? Do I tell him how I feel and become open to the idea that we could be something real? This is something that I can't do due to my inability to actually commit to someone. I don't even want to imagine the possibility of hurting him which is something that I am actually capable of. My fears will never allow me to have everything that I want.
I'm not really stone...I do actually have feelings but no one will ever be able to guess which one I am feeling because I will not allow someone to know that I am actually vulnerable. People have always fed me the bullshit that it's okay to feel and to cry and it doesn't make you weak it makes you stronger. Sorry but that is a load of shit. When I am sad or hurt, my world feels like it is ending and it doesn't make me stronger. It makes me weak and the idea of heartache may kill me.
I will say that I hope one day I will be able to sort through my own issues and have the ability to commit but until then...I will remain undateable.
